A dream and a wish

I had a dream that you were with me, it wasn't bad but more as if you were thinking of me, when I was so clearly thinking of you. I have always tried to be proud of myself, because I did good, by creating you. You truly are a miracle. I try every day to remember just how precious you are. I smile when I hear your name and I love to talk about how important you are to me. I have came so far as a person, since they day i found out I was pregnant with you. And I have grown even further since you entered this world. I am no where near as perfect as I want to be, I can not go back and change anything I have done. But I can do everything in my power to become a person worthy of your respect. I love you!

I wish that things could have been different, not different in the way your probably thinking, but different as I wish I was stronger. I get emotional when I think of you. I get happy and sad, sometimes lost and confused. I do wish that I could have kept you. I know that the only reason I feel like that is because I am being selfish. Your mommy and daddy picked up where I couldn't at the time. They were able to give you the support and love that you needed. And they promised to always be there for you. I will always be there for you too, but at the time I could not guarantee your safety or that you would have a warm place to sleep at night. So I did what needed to be done. I gave you a future.

I wish i had the strength to always be happy that you are where you are. But I feel like if I felt like that I would be a person who did not care. I can not imagine living my life as though nothing had changed. I may be wrong for feeling like this but its the only thing that I can guarantee is still real. And that is my undying love for you!

Your family... The ones you have never met!

Hello... I just wanted to tell you a little about my family as someday I hope you will be able to meet them. I came from a decent sized family, from grandma's and grandpa's, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, cousins and cousins and even pets! I have eight siblings... Two biological siblings, one brother named Joshua and a sister named Jennifer. Jennifer was adopted out when she was three. She went to a wonderful family just like you! I also have a half brother named Johnny... He is just a tiny bit older than you. He was also put up for adoption, right around the time you were being adopted! I have Five more siblings, They are my step brothers and sisters. There is Amber, Amy and a brother named Jesse. These are my stepfathers children. Then there is two more step siblings... Erin and Brandon, These two belong to my stepmother Kim. One thing I want you to know is no matter if your relatives are blood or not, there still family! I love all of my brothers and sisters no matter if they are blood or not! All of these people are your uncles and aunts!

I have Grandma's and Grandpa's too... My moms parents were named Glen and Nancy, They are both in heaven now. My dad's parents, well I don't really know them. I know my Grandma is in heaven and my Grandpa lives in Wisconsin, well he did last time I heard of him. My father was adopted when he was four so I don't know anything about his birth family except that he had a few brothers and sisters. These people are your Great Grandparents.

Next I will tell you a little bit about your Grandparents... My mom and dad, both know what it is like to give a child up for adoption. It was the hardest thing they probably ever had to go through. (I know it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best thing too!) My mom is named Terrie and she lives in Sutherlin Oregon. She is married to her husband Lloyd. Then there is my dad... His name is Thomas, He lives here in Roseburg Oregon. He lives about ten minutes away from me.

Then we go to my aunts and uncles. My moms brother is named Greg. He also lives in Sutherlin Oregon. Then Have my Aunt Zena and Uncle Dale. They are my stepfathers relatives.

Now last but not least my cousins... I only have three of them that I know of, there names are Nikki, Tara, and Bobby. Tara has a little boy named Lyric and Nikki and her husband have a little boy named Osten, they adopted him, just like your mommy and daddy adopted you!

I have a pretty big family and all of them are your family too! All of us in my family love you very much!

Missing you

As the days go on and the years go by all I do is miss you. I go on with my life and I live every day, I just wish that I could go back in time and hold you a little more. I know that your happy and that you are safe! Everything I'am and everything I do, I do just for you. I want to be a person that someday you can look up too, the person who deserves to be called your tummy mommy! I know I have made mistakes but never have you been a mistake. I have loved you forever and will love you some more, Never will I forget you, never will I make you hurt! You are still my son, at the same time you are theirs! It never hurts to have more people to love you, and trust me you are deeply loved. You gave me a reason to life, as I gave you life! Forever I will thank God for blessing me with you and forever I will thank God for blessing me with your mom and dad!

Just thinking of you

I had my 23rd birthday last week and all I could think about was you. I miss you, I miss what it felt like to look at you, I miss the way it sounded to hear your voice for the first time. Everyday I wonder when I will hear your voice again. I wonder when I will be reunited with you, I wonder what your doing and what you had for dinner. The first and last time we spoke you were telling me all about yourself, I tired to tell you about myself and answer all you questions but my heart was in my throat and I could barely find my words. It has been almost a year since I heard your voice and I so long to hear it again.

I have sent emails back and forth with your family, and I do get updates from time to time. I get pictures every now and again and they are what make me smile everyday. I trust that you are well and that you are safe. I have faith that when the time is right I will receive that amazing phone call once again, until then all I can do is wait.

I pray everyday for you, that your are happy and having fun. I do believe that you are in kindergarten now. Do you have alot of friends? Have you met that friend that you will know for the rest of your life? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that you are my heart and my soul, you are the air I breathe and the sun in my sky. I am forever thinking of you!


Love you always,

Your tummy mommy Bethany

Happy 5th Birthday my dear son

I just wanted to say that today is a bittersweet day... I am so proud of how much you have grown and how much you have learned. I just wish I was able to be there to see it for myself. I miss you everyday and sometimes I wish you were around but I know you are happy and safe. I feel like I did good by you and I hope that I'am right. I hope that todays birthday is all you could hope for... I hope you know that I love you and I do miss you deeply. I cried when it hit midnight and it was officially your birthday... I was flooded with emotions and memories of your birth and every other birthday I have celebrated in my own way... Every year I make a cake in your memory. I got that idea from fellow birth mothers... I hope you are happy... Happy Birthday baby!

Three days before your 5th birthday

Today I bought you a birthday card... It wasn't much but I hope you like it... I got permission from your parents to send you a birthday card. I was so excited when they said yes. I walked all the way down to the store just so I could find the perfect card that said everything my heart said but of course that card would only exists if I made it myself... I just want you to know that I miss and love you everyday! I still think you were my birthday present even though you were born a month before my birthday but you were still the best birthday present anyone could ask for...

Christmas 2009

This Christmas was extra special to me. I received a present from you and your family... It was a pretty picture of you in this beautiful red frame... I will keep it forever... Sometimes when the holidays or birthdays come around I wish you were here but I always have to remember that I chose your family for a reason... It is very hard everyday but it gets harder when the holidays come. I miss you baby Brandon, well I guess your not a baby anymore but in my heart you will always be my baby... I miss and love you!

Love,

Your tummy mommy